Happy Valentines Day

The worst thing about holidays is picking out greeting cards that say stupid shit you don’t think to approximate what you actually think. Then on top of that you have to write some crap in it that you do actually feel to make yourself look like an idiot who does something besides just sign your name on cards. In order to make your valentine’s day simpler here is a list of 14 things to write in the card you buy for that special someone:

1. I enjoy regular sex with you slightly more than I hate your friends, personality and taste in music.

2. I used to find you repulsive, but now I find your stable income and the attention you provide to me to make up for the stable father figure I never had.

3. I’m glad I’m your boyfriend. Without that label I would just be another loser who enjoys having sex with you without contributing anything to your life.

4. This exorbitant gift shows that I know that I can’t do better than you and am terrified you may leave.

5. This gift reminded me of you, and how much harder it would be find someone else.

6. I’m glad that your daddy issues allow you to excuse my shitty personality.

7. My parents divorce has ruined me for anyone else but you, until my unresolved issues cause me to lash out and continue the cycle of emotional violence.

8. Your gradually declining looks bother me slightly less than I dislike being single.

9. Your good job and promising future provide something that I just can’t get from the other less successful people I enjoy sleeping with.

10. I hope you don’t end up being completely unstable and uninteresting like your parents.

11. I’m glad we can celebrate another occasion where I am socially obligated to take you out in public and show affection towards you.

12. I’m glad that our feelings for each other can drown out my being bothered by your insecurity and your being bothered by my immaturity and inability to deal with deep emotional connection.

13. After all these years I can say I would no longer want to change everything about you because I realize that continuing to let your flaws bother me is yet another reason to hate myself.

14. I’m so glad that pregnancy scare drove me closer to you all those years ago, and not the other guy that I thought might be the father.

I hope that I helped save your shitty relationship, and if I didn’t, it was shitty anyway. Basically, Valentine’s day sucks whether you’re single or with someone that you only slightly less than hate. But isn’t that what we’re all looking for?


Edited for dyslexia by Mike Leon and cross posted to whowritesthisstuff.net