Kevin Smith isn't (just) fat.

I don't really care that someone famous got called fat because of some safety policy or whatever, but before he flips out about it he should think of the real victims in this situation, his family. Before he starts his tirade about fat people's rights or whatever he should do his kid and wife the favor of buying the giant oversized box his swollen carcass will reside in. That may dull the pain of losing their husband and father to his own selfishness and inaction. This is like Robert Downey Jr. being pissed at Delta for not letting him take his heroin on the plane. People who are choosing how they die don't need to be accepted by society, they need to be told more explicitly that BEING FAT WILL KILL YOU THAT IS WHY THERE ARE NO OLD FAT PEOPLE. You want to smoke in the restaurant where I eat? Fuck you. You want to be fat on the plane I'm flying on? Fuck you too. Go commit suicide faster, try meth.

I really do feel sorry for his family though, I hope he makes a real change in his life instead of acting like a spoiled bitch or an emo kid (though I understand that will be hard since it's his favorite character to write.)

The Recessionista's guide to Valentine's Day and dating.

My last post was aimed mostly at the attached, I have abandoned a major demographic and let down my readers, for that I am very sorry. I hope this will help everyone that hasn't traded loneliness for shared solitude.  I like to take on taboo topics and the unsaid truths of our generation, so I thought I would do a guide to dating for the recession conscious.

Our country is going through a really tough time and it's time for people to really start stepping up and help each other out. First of all consider the fact that dating is a very long and expensive process, especially for guys. I know it takes a long time to get to know someone, and I'm not trying to ask anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with, or change there standards in anyway, but we live in dire times. Basically, what I'm saying is you girls need to step up and start putting out on dates sooner than you would in a normal economy. I mean you don't want your relationship with a possibly great guy to be ruined by him stressing out over a tedious and expensive social ritual. This will also benefit you greatly because the quicker the relationship progresses the sooner you can move in together and get married (and save tons on money on expenses that way.)

This is a two way street though guys, my advice to you if you find one of these economically savvy ladies is to hang on, because clearly she has got a great head on her shoulders and cares about your financial and emotional well being. If you meet a girl who is willing to "accelerate the relationship and stimulate your economy" and she also picks up the tab, I would hate to quote Beyonce, but you better put a ring on it.

As for the Valentine's day portion of my advice for the single and newly dating: Guys, if you like a girl ask her out for Valentine's Day. There's no way to really avoid this part of it, you have to be willing to go all out and pay for it all. Now ladies, this is where you need to pick up the gauntlet. When a guy asks you out to a fancy Valentine's date you need to respond with: "How about pizza, netflix and sex?" Romantic, thoughtful, thrifty and hot. You will not be disappointed! That's how you separate yourself as a keeper in our post apocalyptic world.

Maybe sinking further into recession is what we need. Maybe when the money runs out so will the jobs, spray tan and hair gel, then girls will actually have to date guys with substance who like them as people, and not just objects that they don't mind having around so much. What would a world without gold diggers and shallow people be like? I don't know, but I know who could tell us, Kanye.

Happy Valentines Day

The worst thing about holidays is picking out greeting cards that say stupid shit you don’t think to approximate what you actually think. Then on top of that you have to write some crap in it that you do actually feel to make yourself look like an idiot who does something besides just sign your name on cards. In order to make your valentine’s day simpler here is a list of 14 things to write in the card you buy for that special someone:

1. I enjoy regular sex with you slightly more than I hate your friends, personality and taste in music.

2. I used to find you repulsive, but now I find your stable income and the attention you provide to me to make up for the stable father figure I never had.

3. I’m glad I’m your boyfriend. Without that label I would just be another loser who enjoys having sex with you without contributing anything to your life.

4. This exorbitant gift shows that I know that I can’t do better than you and am terrified you may leave.

5. This gift reminded me of you, and how much harder it would be find someone else.

6. I’m glad that your daddy issues allow you to excuse my shitty personality.

7. My parents divorce has ruined me for anyone else but you, until my unresolved issues cause me to lash out and continue the cycle of emotional violence.

8. Your gradually declining looks bother me slightly less than I dislike being single.

9. Your good job and promising future provide something that I just can’t get from the other less successful people I enjoy sleeping with.

10. I hope you don’t end up being completely unstable and uninteresting like your parents.

11. I’m glad we can celebrate another occasion where I am socially obligated to take you out in public and show affection towards you.

12. I’m glad that our feelings for each other can drown out my being bothered by your insecurity and your being bothered by my immaturity and inability to deal with deep emotional connection.

13. After all these years I can say I would no longer want to change everything about you because I realize that continuing to let your flaws bother me is yet another reason to hate myself.

14. I’m so glad that pregnancy scare drove me closer to you all those years ago, and not the other guy that I thought might be the father.

I hope that I helped save your shitty relationship, and if I didn’t, it was shitty anyway. Basically, Valentine’s day sucks whether you’re single or with someone that you only slightly less than hate. But isn’t that what we’re all looking for?


Edited for dyslexia by Mike Leon and cross posted to whowritesthisstuff.net

The realist's rules for not dating poisonous people.

I've been working on these rules for about 4 years now, and there's just about a different name to go with every rule, through my experience and others. I wanted to wait till I had a solid 10 before I shared them with people.

1. Don't fuck anyone over for someone who fucked you over.  

2. Someone who leaves someone else for you will leave you for someone else. Someone who cheats on someone with you will cheat on you.  

3. The people you have to convince to date you or who have to "come around" are not the people you want to date. (Because they don't really want to date you.)  

4. Never confuse pity, guilt, sympathy or compassion for someone actually caring about you as an individual person.

5. People who leave will leave again.  

6. Games are games, even if you can't tell what game someone is playing they will never stop, and once you realize they are playing games leaving is the only way to stop it.

7. People who don't know what they want are dangerous, and what they want isn't you.

8. If someone only cares about them self they are incapable of caring about you.

9. The only acceptable feelings someone can have for their ex is indifference or something like it. There is a thin line between love and hate and feelings that are too strong in either direction mean it's not over for that person.  

10. It is not your job to wait for someone to be ready or able to have a healthy relationship with you and they probably never will be.

The bottom line is people don't change, you can't change them, they won't change for you. If you feel like you should get away, you probably should. The emotional ups and downs you feel by dealing with these issues and sticking it out instead of running isn't love. And in case it wasn't implied enough by the other rules, the most important rule is:

11. YOU WILL NEVER "FIX" ANYONE. 

Seriously, date someone who doesn't break any of these rules. It's not like they don't exist and they're the type of person everyone deserves to have in their life. Stop chasing around poisonous people with your piss poor self esteem and find someone who appreciates you.

Also: Please Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Nebachanezar

Road blaggin.

Been over a month, wow. Now I'm blaggin from outer space, just wanted to give you a little update. Actually nothing that exciting has happened. May write more later about how terminally boring living a well adjusted life is, or how pathetic typing an entire blog entry on an iPod is.


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