Christmas Gift Guide for the Significant Other You're Going to Dump.

This guide is intended to keep you from conveying the wrong message to the person you plan on breaking up with...after Christmas (kinda a dick move) and maybe also save you some cash. Oh believe me, I'm not calling you out as a terrible person, I know shit happens, you end up stuck living with someone it turns out you really hate now, you have to wait for leases to expire, to get people off your cell phone plan, you need to find a new ride to work. Now that we've justified your emotional fraud to some extent lets move on to the all important material trappings!

•No personalized gifts or Jewelry. Nothing says I love you like a t-shit with someone's name and picture on it or a diamond necklace, you don't want to say that. If you do go this route make sure to spell their name wrong or "accidentally" get the name of an Ex instead. You can also go for the crappiest walmart or kmart jewelry you can.

•No large purchases. Electronics and furniture are a big no no, except in the case you are replacing something that is mutually owned in the shared dwelling that you want to take with you. "Oh look now we have two TVs."If you can't get away with having two of something invest in some storage for however long you plan to continue the charade that is being part of someone else's life.

•Never ask what they want, never tell them what you want. No reason to further ingratiate yourself to this person or commit yourself to buying something that may be expensive and will show that you care. As an added bonus in the final break up argument you can say, "You didn't even get me what I wanted for Christmas!"

•Never get them anything that shows you have been paying attention to them as a person. Don't get them a CD from their favorite band or their favorite movie on DVD. If you must get them a movie they kinda liked or a CD from a band you think they "might like." In reality you shouldn't give a shit if they like it, so pick a CD at random.

•Don't get them anything that symbolizes the future, no calendars, no journals. This is an easy one, because there is no future. This also includes planning trips and subscriptions or memberships that will last all year.

•Stick to cheap. Walgreens is a good place to shop for crap no one would ever want, try the off brand sugar free chocolates, unless they are diabetic.

•Gift Cards! Nothing excites people yet at the same time says "I didn't give a shit enough pick out a real gift for you" like a gift card. They may like it at first and be able to get what they really want, but after the relationship is over they will think to themselves, "all they got me was a god damned gift card."

Basically stay smart and stay cheap out there. If you find yourself thinking about a gift chances are it will mean to much. Stick to apathetic impulse purchases. And just remember, you don't give a shit anymore. Now if you are a person who thinks that they are going to be broken up with there is a completely separate Christmas gift guide for you, but here's a hint of what to get them: lots of sex.