Sara Palin stole my book idea.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sara Palin stole my book idea about a no nonsense hockey mom that becomes governor of Alaska then vice presidential candidate. Except in my book she also fights crime, uncovers a terrorist plot, and kills the terrorist leader in a fiery explosion after a car chase at the end. My title: Transporter 4 - Alaskan Pipeline.
Rock Band is not "the social gaming experience of the year," because there is no such thing.
You can read the final version of this article at whowritesthisstuff.net
Recently I've been seeing these commercials for one of those "Rock Band" or "Guitar Hero" games that claims it to be "the social gaming experience of the year." This is impossible because there is no such thing as social gaming. Video games are not an experience for one thing, they are a sad refuge from a harsh boring reality. And games that you play with other people are not "social," they are more like a support group like cutters anonymous. A more fitting title would probably be "I can't stop shoving things slightly smaller than my fist in my face while I play this game and cry anonymous." Games as a "social" phenomena only include two variables that solo gaming lacks, mutual enjoyment of something bad and someone bad to fuck up the progress of everyone else. Here's some spoilers for your favorite "social games,"
Rock Band: You're pressing buttons to bad music. You can replicate this exact experience by having the person in the cubicle next to you play bad music while the two of you type. If you really want the whole dead rock star visual thing like Beatles Rock Band, find a youtube video of John Lennon banging that Jap skank that broke up the Beatles and ruined rock and roll, and watch that while you type. I liked rockband better when it was called "listening to iTunes while I play a good game."
Let's not forget that both of these games require you to buy stupid plastic instruments that make you look like an idiot playing a tiny guitar. Sorry you never got the experience of learning an instrument only to become a member of an unsuccessful cover band. The game doesn't really replicate this because you probably shower and aren't addicted to meth.
Halo: Having a "Halo Party" means you like dudes and are probably in a frat. That's all, the hardest FPS you have ever played was probably Counter Strike, and you bought the Xbox version, and liked it. If you don't believe me about the homosexual nature of this game get on Xbox live or have a halo party then play a drinking game where you drink every time someone gets "t-bagged," you will die of alcohol poisoning. I'm not saying playing Halo is synonymous with enjoying sex with men, but it is. Halo party's should follow the same rule as contact sports, you have to be the only guy on both teams for it to not be gay.
MMORPGs: Massively multiplayer online role playing games. Congratulations you pay fifteen dollars a month for final fantasy plus AIM. There should be a show on A&E about these games, on right between intervention and hoarders. I enjoy collecting things and killing stuff for days at a time as much as the next guy, but at some point you have to say fuck these other people and just go back to Zelda. Video games should also be like romantic relationships, little to no conversation and instant gratification. MMORPGs are like the needy unemployed ever present girlfriend, you're always giving her money and spending all your time trying to keep her happy and maintain the relationship, then by the time you actually get in her pants you're too exhausted to get it up. Games like Rainbow Six are like the perfect girlfriend, I turn on my Xbox, I want to kill terrorists, I kill terrorists. Then I take a nap. No talking, no items to collect, no money is exchanged, perfect relationship.
All of these types of games have people who will talk shit, piss you off, and fuck up your game. So why play at all? The reason why they developed this new term "social" gaming is because rock band is a non-competative game, everyone is doing different things to achieve the same goal. Thus you don't get to see who's best, who wins, you only get to see who is worst, and fucking up the progress of the song for everyone else. (You can even turn that off if someone is really bad.) Playing video games was better back in the 80s and 90s, it was like masturbating: done alone and occasionally experimentally with one other friend. (In a totally not gay way.) In conclusion you want your video games to be like your girlfriend or like masturbation. Would you want to share your girlfriend or masturbation with your idiot friends to stupid songs you hate? Actually, mostly just like masturbation, because we know that is way better than your girlfriend.
Recently I've been seeing these commercials for one of those "Rock Band" or "Guitar Hero" games that claims it to be "the social gaming experience of the year." This is impossible because there is no such thing as social gaming. Video games are not an experience for one thing, they are a sad refuge from a harsh boring reality. And games that you play with other people are not "social," they are more like a support group like cutters anonymous. A more fitting title would probably be "I can't stop shoving things slightly smaller than my fist in my face while I play this game and cry anonymous." Games as a "social" phenomena only include two variables that solo gaming lacks, mutual enjoyment of something bad and someone bad to fuck up the progress of everyone else. Here's some spoilers for your favorite "social games,"
Rock Band: You're pressing buttons to bad music. You can replicate this exact experience by having the person in the cubicle next to you play bad music while the two of you type. If you really want the whole dead rock star visual thing like Beatles Rock Band, find a youtube video of John Lennon banging that Jap skank that broke up the Beatles and ruined rock and roll, and watch that while you type. I liked rockband better when it was called "listening to iTunes while I play a good game."
Let's not forget that both of these games require you to buy stupid plastic instruments that make you look like an idiot playing a tiny guitar. Sorry you never got the experience of learning an instrument only to become a member of an unsuccessful cover band. The game doesn't really replicate this because you probably shower and aren't addicted to meth.
Halo: Having a "Halo Party" means you like dudes and are probably in a frat. That's all, the hardest FPS you have ever played was probably Counter Strike, and you bought the Xbox version, and liked it. If you don't believe me about the homosexual nature of this game get on Xbox live or have a halo party then play a drinking game where you drink every time someone gets "t-bagged," you will die of alcohol poisoning. I'm not saying playing Halo is synonymous with enjoying sex with men, but it is. Halo party's should follow the same rule as contact sports, you have to be the only guy on both teams for it to not be gay.
MMORPGs: Massively multiplayer online role playing games. Congratulations you pay fifteen dollars a month for final fantasy plus AIM. There should be a show on A&E about these games, on right between intervention and hoarders. I enjoy collecting things and killing stuff for days at a time as much as the next guy, but at some point you have to say fuck these other people and just go back to Zelda. Video games should also be like romantic relationships, little to no conversation and instant gratification. MMORPGs are like the needy unemployed ever present girlfriend, you're always giving her money and spending all your time trying to keep her happy and maintain the relationship, then by the time you actually get in her pants you're too exhausted to get it up. Games like Rainbow Six are like the perfect girlfriend, I turn on my Xbox, I want to kill terrorists, I kill terrorists. Then I take a nap. No talking, no items to collect, no money is exchanged, perfect relationship.
All of these types of games have people who will talk shit, piss you off, and fuck up your game. So why play at all? The reason why they developed this new term "social" gaming is because rock band is a non-competative game, everyone is doing different things to achieve the same goal. Thus you don't get to see who's best, who wins, you only get to see who is worst, and fucking up the progress of the song for everyone else. (You can even turn that off if someone is really bad.) Playing video games was better back in the 80s and 90s, it was like masturbating: done alone and occasionally experimentally with one other friend. (In a totally not gay way.) In conclusion you want your video games to be like your girlfriend or like masturbation. Would you want to share your girlfriend or masturbation with your idiot friends to stupid songs you hate? Actually, mostly just like masturbation, because we know that is way better than your girlfriend.
#MPMF or Why you're an indie fuck.
In an effort to keep you informed on local events and as to why you are an insufferable douche let me tell you about the Mid Point Music Fest. First let’s start with the good news, you didn’t get ripped off, twenty nine dollars is not a bad price to pay for three days of music that will never be commercially available. The bad news is you spent three days in downtown Cincinnati incurring numerous costs listening to bad music you could have listened to on Misplace for free. Just to be brief and to the point, you spent three days at indie Myspace.
In order to understand why this makes you uncool you need to realize why indie music is uncool. The logic seems to be, “Oh no one else has discovered how great and relevant this band’s music is, they must be cool and I must be cool for listening to them.” No. That is the exact opposite of how things work. The reason your band isn’t popular is because they are contrived and unsuccessful. You are following the same misguided logic as goth kids. Being different does not make you cool, being the same makes you cool. Being the same also makes you lots of money. All the indie cred in the world is not going to help these bands when they are starving to death in an alley or working their real job at starbucks or kinkos.
If you legitimately enjoy the music that’s fine, but if at least one point (hopefully more) during the MPMF you find yourself thinking “this band is terrible,” you are probably an indie music scene fuck. Did I go? No, do I feel bad reviewing an event that I didn’t go to? Not in the least, and here’s why, 1. The event was held in downtown Cincinnati, the fact that it wasn’t held in a better venue speaks for itself. Cincinnati is in such a state of decay that it would host a convention for transvestite meth addicted pedophiles. 2. None of these bands will ever get signed, if they do I will buy you the CD and the tickets for us to see them at river bend. These are the bands that will reunite on holidays when you are in your 50s and you will have to ask your wife to see if you can drive to Columbus to see them. They too will be old and taking time off from real jobs to reminisce back to the time where they were mildly artistically successful. 3. The primary sponsors for this event were radio stations, who the fuck listens to the radio?
Brief post on things that are pissing me off.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Writing is hard enough as it is, but contemplating whether or not there is actually a "great american novel" yet to be written makes me too depressed to even try writing anything. In the age of Dan Brown and Harry Potter I wonder how the field of literature will look at this time in one hundred years, if there is such a field.
Something that has been bothering me for a longer time is: no you are not "kinda OCD." It may sound cool, but it actually is a real problem for lots of people. I don't care if you got a therapist to agree with you and give you medication, I find it offensive that people develop fake mental illnesses out of chronic narcissism. I'm also offended by shows like "Obsessed" and "Intervention." Why is it okay to showcase this kind of suffering in such a macabre spectacle? It may help a few people come to terms with problems with themselves and their families, but for the most part these shows are watched by the same people who moved on from Trading Spaces to shows about midgets and people with 1000 kids. Instead of further stigmatizing mental illness we should be teaching people to not be afraid to ask for help.
Something that has been bothering me for a longer time is: no you are not "kinda OCD." It may sound cool, but it actually is a real problem for lots of people. I don't care if you got a therapist to agree with you and give you medication, I find it offensive that people develop fake mental illnesses out of chronic narcissism. I'm also offended by shows like "Obsessed" and "Intervention." Why is it okay to showcase this kind of suffering in such a macabre spectacle? It may help a few people come to terms with problems with themselves and their families, but for the most part these shows are watched by the same people who moved on from Trading Spaces to shows about midgets and people with 1000 kids. Instead of further stigmatizing mental illness we should be teaching people to not be afraid to ask for help.
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