Christmas Gift Guide for the Significant Other You're Going to Dump.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
This guide is intended to keep you from conveying the wrong message to the person you plan on breaking up with...after Christmas (kinda a dick move) and maybe also save you some cash. Oh believe me, I'm not calling you out as a terrible person, I know shit happens, you end up stuck living with someone it turns out you really hate now, you have to wait for leases to expire, to get people off your cell phone plan, you need to find a new ride to work. Now that we've justified your emotional fraud to some extent lets move on to the all important material trappings!
•No personalized gifts or Jewelry. Nothing says I love you like a t-shit with someone's name and picture on it or a diamond necklace, you don't want to say that. If you do go this route make sure to spell their name wrong or "accidentally" get the name of an Ex instead. You can also go for the crappiest walmart or kmart jewelry you can.
•No large purchases. Electronics and furniture are a big no no, except in the case you are replacing something that is mutually owned in the shared dwelling that you want to take with you. "Oh look now we have two TVs."If you can't get away with having two of something invest in some storage for however long you plan to continue the charade that is being part of someone else's life.
•Never ask what they want, never tell them what you want. No reason to further ingratiate yourself to this person or commit yourself to buying something that may be expensive and will show that you care. As an added bonus in the final break up argument you can say, "You didn't even get me what I wanted for Christmas!"
•Never get them anything that shows you have been paying attention to them as a person. Don't get them a CD from their favorite band or their favorite movie on DVD. If you must get them a movie they kinda liked or a CD from a band you think they "might like." In reality you shouldn't give a shit if they like it, so pick a CD at random.
•Don't get them anything that symbolizes the future, no calendars, no journals. This is an easy one, because there is no future. This also includes planning trips and subscriptions or memberships that will last all year.
•Stick to cheap. Walgreens is a good place to shop for crap no one would ever want, try the off brand sugar free chocolates, unless they are diabetic.
•Gift Cards! Nothing excites people yet at the same time says "I didn't give a shit enough pick out a real gift for you" like a gift card. They may like it at first and be able to get what they really want, but after the relationship is over they will think to themselves, "all they got me was a god damned gift card."
Basically stay smart and stay cheap out there. If you find yourself thinking about a gift chances are it will mean to much. Stick to apathetic impulse purchases. And just remember, you don't give a shit anymore. Now if you are a person who thinks that they are going to be broken up with there is a completely separate Christmas gift guide for you, but here's a hint of what to get them: lots of sex.
•No personalized gifts or Jewelry. Nothing says I love you like a t-shit with someone's name and picture on it or a diamond necklace, you don't want to say that. If you do go this route make sure to spell their name wrong or "accidentally" get the name of an Ex instead. You can also go for the crappiest walmart or kmart jewelry you can.
•No large purchases. Electronics and furniture are a big no no, except in the case you are replacing something that is mutually owned in the shared dwelling that you want to take with you. "Oh look now we have two TVs."If you can't get away with having two of something invest in some storage for however long you plan to continue the charade that is being part of someone else's life.
•Never ask what they want, never tell them what you want. No reason to further ingratiate yourself to this person or commit yourself to buying something that may be expensive and will show that you care. As an added bonus in the final break up argument you can say, "You didn't even get me what I wanted for Christmas!"
•Never get them anything that shows you have been paying attention to them as a person. Don't get them a CD from their favorite band or their favorite movie on DVD. If you must get them a movie they kinda liked or a CD from a band you think they "might like." In reality you shouldn't give a shit if they like it, so pick a CD at random.
•Don't get them anything that symbolizes the future, no calendars, no journals. This is an easy one, because there is no future. This also includes planning trips and subscriptions or memberships that will last all year.
•Stick to cheap. Walgreens is a good place to shop for crap no one would ever want, try the off brand sugar free chocolates, unless they are diabetic.
•Gift Cards! Nothing excites people yet at the same time says "I didn't give a shit enough pick out a real gift for you" like a gift card. They may like it at first and be able to get what they really want, but after the relationship is over they will think to themselves, "all they got me was a god damned gift card."
Basically stay smart and stay cheap out there. If you find yourself thinking about a gift chances are it will mean to much. Stick to apathetic impulse purchases. And just remember, you don't give a shit anymore. Now if you are a person who thinks that they are going to be broken up with there is a completely separate Christmas gift guide for you, but here's a hint of what to get them: lots of sex.
A Plea From a Cat Named Virtue.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I just got home from Eddie's and should sleep, but a brief update. Today was the worst day in a very bad two weeks (the reason for my long hiatus.) And tomorrow will most assuredly be worse. Sorry for being dramatic and vague. The things I've been feeling have just been keeping things from progressing in the reading, writing, working department. I was surprised to find the bravery I had been looking for from an unexpected source. That sounds like a double negative, or redundant, but the source was unexpected and I was surprised, mostly because I had lacked what I needed for so long that I forgot what it was. I feel blood flowing through my heart again. I realize I'm not perfect, further from it now, just remember I was once virtuous.
On the way home I felt compelled to write a story mocking thinly veiled autobiographical fiction and "marry-sue" type stories like twilight. Or maybe I should just write a thinly veiled autobiographical story about wanting to write that.
I also felt the desire to be Canadian. I know I've given them a lot of shit and they've kinda been my arch-nemissis, but bands like The Weakerthans and other people make me think they are nicer.
To close I'd like to share my new writing philosophy. I think writing is not knowing how to say something, then writing it down anyway, because people who aren't writers just never write it down because they are never sure.
On the way home I felt compelled to write a story mocking thinly veiled autobiographical fiction and "marry-sue" type stories like twilight. Or maybe I should just write a thinly veiled autobiographical story about wanting to write that.
I also felt the desire to be Canadian. I know I've given them a lot of shit and they've kinda been my arch-nemissis, but bands like The Weakerthans and other people make me think they are nicer.
To close I'd like to share my new writing philosophy. I think writing is not knowing how to say something, then writing it down anyway, because people who aren't writers just never write it down because they are never sure.
How to save the fourth estate.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saw this article today on a report on how to save journalism. Of course the solution that the politically moderate and fiscally responsible folk over at Columbia University suggest is to tax and spend other people's money to solve the problem. Because that solution has worked so well in so many other areas, like failing public schools, they are doing fine now because of all the money thrown at them. The premise behind all this is that journalism serves an important role to society and society should pay to preserve this institution. That premise however fails on two levels the first level is that journalism has failed to keep up with technology and almost everything they once provided is now available to everyone around the world for free on the internet. The second level on which it fails is journalists have been neglecting their duty and not providing a decent product that people will put their faith in and pay for. Research and fact checking is almost non existent, unless the party you are fact checking disagrees with your worldview. That's right, CNN fact checked Saturday Night Live making fun of Obama. This only shortly followed the White House's communications director calling Fox News a wing of the republican party on CNN of all places. Did she not see the campaign? Did she not see the entire media establishment hurl Obama into office without taking time to wipe the drool from their mouths or responsibly investigate him? The point is there is a template in the establishment media, republicans bad - democrats good. I would rather they treat them all as bad, because they are, but you have sitting democratic congressmen who hid bribe money in their fridge or belonged to the KKK. Democrat scandals get ignored and anything against the republicans gets amplified and repeated, even if it's proved untrue later. There are still people who claim that Bush lied because all of the inelegance services of the world were wrong and Sadam didn't have WMD's.
Journalism is dead, and journalism killed it. I don't know why reporters believe that everyone has to share their worldview or that journalism is about opinions and scandal with absolutely no research. It could be argued that the "opinions" of journalists are just them trying to promote what is good or morally right, but a good journalist would realize that things that are decided in the arena of politics and elections are not for them to decide. Also from a marketing point of view, going political alienates %50 of the country. Why does Fox News do so well? Because they appeal to the %50 that have been alienated and they have no competition. Why do MSNBC and CNN do so poorly? Because they have lots of competition saying the exact same thing.
How do you save journalism? Here's my multistep plan. Step 1: Take journalism out of the archaic (liberal infested) liberal arts system and put it into business schools or communication schools. Journalism isn't about writing, it's about communicating what's going on and selling it. Make at least a year if not two about just research. You need to know about what you write about and people stop trusting you if your work is constantly in opposition to the facts, see the New York times. (I'm also for everyone at every level of education having to take economics every year. Just like history, science and math. Maybe that will destroy this notion that the way to solve a problem is to tax rich people and spend their money to give stuff away for free.) Step 2: Disavow the establishment. News outlets need to start fresh and start over. Divorce your ideology and start producing an objective product people can trust. That means take the editorials off the front page and leave them in the back with the crosswords. Step 3: Change. Just change, it's time to change the way you do business. I think this internet thing is going to be a big deal, and it's time to start acting like it. Stop trying to save newspapers and local news.
In short, tell the truth, not your truth, and stop being old.
Journalism is dead, and journalism killed it. I don't know why reporters believe that everyone has to share their worldview or that journalism is about opinions and scandal with absolutely no research. It could be argued that the "opinions" of journalists are just them trying to promote what is good or morally right, but a good journalist would realize that things that are decided in the arena of politics and elections are not for them to decide. Also from a marketing point of view, going political alienates %50 of the country. Why does Fox News do so well? Because they appeal to the %50 that have been alienated and they have no competition. Why do MSNBC and CNN do so poorly? Because they have lots of competition saying the exact same thing.
How do you save journalism? Here's my multistep plan. Step 1: Take journalism out of the archaic (liberal infested) liberal arts system and put it into business schools or communication schools. Journalism isn't about writing, it's about communicating what's going on and selling it. Make at least a year if not two about just research. You need to know about what you write about and people stop trusting you if your work is constantly in opposition to the facts, see the New York times. (I'm also for everyone at every level of education having to take economics every year. Just like history, science and math. Maybe that will destroy this notion that the way to solve a problem is to tax rich people and spend their money to give stuff away for free.) Step 2: Disavow the establishment. News outlets need to start fresh and start over. Divorce your ideology and start producing an objective product people can trust. That means take the editorials off the front page and leave them in the back with the crosswords. Step 3: Change. Just change, it's time to change the way you do business. I think this internet thing is going to be a big deal, and it's time to start acting like it. Stop trying to save newspapers and local news.
In short, tell the truth, not your truth, and stop being old.
Monday Writer's Block
Monday, October 19, 2009
Been brain dead for 5 or 6 days as what to write here or on anything else I'm working on. I might lock myself in the library for the rest of the day just to make myself work on stuff that I need to get done. Had a pretty good weekend, I saw Couples Retreat and watched a bunch of Sopranos and Criminal Minds. Couples Retreat was pretty good, if just a little bit long. Not the typical Vince Vaughn movie. He was a lot funnier and not as annoying.
Went to the airport yesterday to pick up the girlfriend. I was really glad she was back, but going to the airport made me miss traveling and living out of a suitcase. Oh well, I chalk it up to "the grass is always greener."
I've also been moderating spam comments on my article on whowritesthisstuff.net, that's been kinda annoying. I wish people weren't such shit heads on the internet. People who write spam bots should be put in prison.
Best part of this weekend of relaxing: no football.
Went to the airport yesterday to pick up the girlfriend. I was really glad she was back, but going to the airport made me miss traveling and living out of a suitcase. Oh well, I chalk it up to "the grass is always greener."
I've also been moderating spam comments on my article on whowritesthisstuff.net, that's been kinda annoying. I wish people weren't such shit heads on the internet. People who write spam bots should be put in prison.
Best part of this weekend of relaxing: no football.
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